WRITTEN BY ADAM SANDLER
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where
the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because
they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a
goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would
you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $12.00 to come
to the theatre and stare at fucking ceiling up there.
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't".
Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know
asshole you fucking pulled me over!
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't
ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX
20) You can GET chocolate.
19) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
18) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
17) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
16) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
15) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
14) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind
13) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
12) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
11) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your
coworkers.
10) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
9) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
8) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
7) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
6) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.
5) Good chocolate is easy to find.
4) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
3) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
2) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
1) With chocolate SIZE DOESN'T MATTER
TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th -"You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th -"Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head." - JFK, 1963
1ST "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997
WOMEN : FACTS AND FIGURES
There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only eight who do.
Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.
If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
The average woman weighs 144 lb. and wears between a 12-14.
One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed -- not perfect!
A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused
70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.
Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less.
TEENAGE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Thou shall not sneak out while parents are sleeping …. Why wait ??
2. Thou shall not do drugs… alcohol lasts longer !
3. Thou shall not steal from K-mart … Walmart has a better selection…
4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism … destruction has a better effect …
5. Thou shall not steal from thy parents … everyone knows that grandma has more money !
6. Thou shall not get in fights … just start them
7. Thou shall not skip class … just take the whole day off
8. Thou shall not strip in class … hooters pays more….
9. Thou shall not think about having sex … as Nike says “ Just do it.”
10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street … just leave
DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do
not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
hey!
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers
so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come
to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun
and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method"
of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: "early"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than
an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there,
why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where
there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts,
tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your
car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices
in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice
that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS ON PRODUCTS
On a sears hairdryer: do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: you could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of dial soap: directions: use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners: serving suggestion: defrost.
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom): do not turn upside down.
On Mark’s & Spencer bread pudding: product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: do not iron cloths on body.
On boot’s children cough Medicine: do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medicine.
On Nytol sleep aid: warning may cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Xmas lights; for indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: not to be used for the other use.
On a Sudbury’s peanuts: warning contains nuts. (Talk about news flash).
On a child’s superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Swedish chainsaw: do no attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
WAYS TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF SANITY
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't Use Any Punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The
Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
A GOOD FRIEND
In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all
that was left was the ugly black one.
In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom
with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you
forgot yours on the bus.
In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing
partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nick or Smelly Susan.
In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush,
and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
In seventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework
from the night before that you had.
In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals
and old baseball but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.
In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who would go to a party thrown by a senior
so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.
In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would
have someone to sit with at lunch.
In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car,
convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a
date to the prom.
In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college/university,
assured you that you would get into that college/university, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time
adjusting to the idea of letting you go...
At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed
the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.
The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up
the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you
that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for
university and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind,
and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college
as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.
Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices,
holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when
you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need
to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you,
helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become
a better person, and most importantly loves you!
