Funny Stuff Two

A WOMAN

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

THE IMAGES OF MOTHER

4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

WHY WOMEN CRY

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said,

"And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he prayed to God who would surely know the answer.

When God responded he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said: "When I made the woman she had to be made special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And lastly, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers and only hers exclusively to use whenever she needs it. She needs no reason, no explanation, its hers."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...one old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a youth she's content to leave behind...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...how to fall in love without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...when to try harder... and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year.

HISTORY LESSON IN PROGRESS

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Kennedy".
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln".
Booth ran from the theatre and was cought in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
AND HERE'S THE KICKER.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

STUPID LAWS

In Arizona, Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
In Georgia, you have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.
In Idaho, Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.
In Massachusetts, All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed)
In Massachusetts, Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
In Norway, you may not spray your female dog or cat. However, you may neuter the males of the species.
In Louisiana, It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
In Florida, Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
In Georgia, Signs are required to be written in English.
In Massachusetts, It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits.
In Indiana, Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
In Alabama, Incestuous marriages are legal.
In New York, Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
In Colorado, Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
In Indiana, The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415.
In Michigan, A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Florida, Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
In New Jersey, you cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.
In Kansas, if two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
In New Jersey, its against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
In Alabama, Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
In Iowa, It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
In Alabama, It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
At one time in Wisconsin, all yellow butter substitutes were banned in the state, which people then smuggled in from Illinois.
In Alabama, You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
In Spearfish, South Dakota, if three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon.
In Maine, Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
In New Jersey, spray paint may not be sold without a posted sign warning juveniles of the penalty for creating graffiti.
In New Jersey, it is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
In Nevada, it is still legal for a person to hang another for killing their dog on their own property.
In Michigan, You may not swear in front of women and children.
In Hawaii, All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
In Massachusetts, It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road.
In Arizona, It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
In Hawaii, Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.
In Montana, It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.


				*Get Inside My Head* *Funny Stuff Two*



	Home \| The Fanlistings \| Funny Stuff \| Funny Stuff Two \| Cool Stuff \| Dollz \| Quotes \| About Moi \| Alex and Nana






		A WOMAN An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." THE IMAGES OF MOTHER 4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything! 8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot! 12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either. 16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date! 25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion. 45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it? 65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom. WHY WOMEN CRY A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will." Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he prayed to God who would surely know the answer. When God responded he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said: "When I made the woman she had to be made special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And lastly, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers and only hers exclusively to use whenever she needs it. She needs no reason, no explanation, its hers." "You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides." A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...one old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a youth she's content to leave behind... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.. A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a feeling of control over her destiny... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...how to fall in love without losing herself... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...when to try harder... and when to walk away... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year. HISTORY LESSON IN PROGRESS Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost a child while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Kennedy". Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln". Booth ran from the theatre and was cought in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. AND HERE'S THE KICKER. A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. STUPID LAWS In Arizona, Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West. In Georgia, you have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words. In Idaho, Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime. In Massachusetts, All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed) In Massachusetts, Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts. In Norway, you may not spray your female dog or cat. However, you may neuter the males of the species. In Louisiana, It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. In Florida, Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. In Georgia, Signs are required to be written in English. In Massachusetts, It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. In Indiana, Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. In Alabama, Incestuous marriages are legal. In New York, Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M. In Colorado, Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. In Indiana, The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. In Michigan, A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. In Florida, Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. In New Jersey, you cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. In Kansas, if two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. In New Jersey, its against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. In Alabama, Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. In Iowa, It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp. In Alabama, It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. At one time in Wisconsin, all yellow butter substitutes were banned in the state, which people then smuggled in from Illinois. In Alabama, You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. In Spearfish, South Dakota, if three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon. In Maine, Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack. In New Jersey, spray paint may not be sold without a posted sign warning juveniles of the penalty for creating graffiti. In New Jersey, it is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. In Nevada, it is still legal for a person to hang another for killing their dog on their own property. In Michigan, You may not swear in front of women and children. In Hawaii, All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat. In Massachusetts, It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. In Arizona, It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. In Hawaii, Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears. In Montana, It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.